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lousalome [userpic]

It's the message at the bottom

November 3rd, 2006 (01:50 pm)

of the nitty gritty got in your face spittling asshole who decides it's time for you to be the party of the night. What are you trying to say? I don't have the intelligence or capability to hold my own against your oh so mighty irresistibility? What presumption! What nerve to think that just because I'm slit between my legs, my brains leaked out and you're smarter than that.

If you've been to a bar before there's this definite feel of meatgrinder at the bottom of all things. I don't go to bars often, on occasion I do. And there's a reason I don't go. And there's a reason I go. I can feel it's a test. Of who you are by how you walk across that room and who sleezes up on you and how you respond. You learn a lot about human nature just watching them in a bar. It's like a zoo, where the monkeys are vying for who will take the biggest fattest most loaded prize of the pack. It's so ridiculous, if you ask me. Are we so petty we can't just be human beings to each other.

I'm really disillusioned with people. I really hoped for more evolution out of them. I really did. And I really think I just deluded myself.

I consider myself a cynic. From now on... I'm a cynic. Till I change my mind that is.

lousalome [userpic]

Looking at the sky...

December 12th, 2005 (05:10 pm)
a bit blue
Tags:

Always fucked up and: a bit blue

I often find myself peering up at the sky, I'm kind of a star gazer. I feel deeply sad much of the time when I think how far down the quality of life has fallen. This is my means to communicate my inner thoughts. A screen. A keyboard. A little machine. And I to think how different life must have looked in this country, how the land must have looked like 500 years ago. It wasn't so long ago that all this metal and glass were absent. The grey of concrete didn't litter the roads, or jut these thrust cities into being. Suddenly, openly, tragic.

Maybe I just see through the pain of today's emptiness with those fallen days. It's normal to romanticize the past. In the loneliness of technology, most of my friends and family have been lost to the great mouth of "more stuff." I'm guilty too. I like having stuff. I was born with technology, I will die in a world filled with gadgets and alienation. Great. Welcome to the machine. Or maybe I've been listening to too much Pink Floyd. And watching too many films in black and white about loneliness. And reading too much philosophy about alienation.

I should stop there. It's probably the weather. It's been dreary. It's gotten into me. Maybe I should watch a horror flick to ease this mood. Films always help. One way or another.

Cheer up Lou! The world is still spinning!

Nil desperandum, nosce te ipsum.
Do not despair, know thyself.

lousalome [userpic]

Somedays

December 12th, 2005 (11:29 am)
staring at the sun
Tags:

Always fucked up and: staring at the sun
War themes: U2

You just need a friend to talk to. Someone to shoot the breeze with that you know doesn't look at you strangely just because your hair is a different length/color than normal, or because you have different ideas than the average girl, or whatever.

Some days you just want to sink into a friend because you have one.

Is there someone out there who understands who feels the same way I feel?

If you do, hail and holler.

Maybe you'll make a friend. Or email me.

findinglucy@gmail.com

"I'm just staring at the sun, I'm not the only one who's happy to go blind..." ~U2

lousalome [userpic]

Funny and interesting... This topic is always fascinating!

December 12th, 2005 (09:45 am)
curious
Tags:

Always fucked up and: curious

I've been studying the influences of WWII more lately, I've gained an interest in knowing more about it.  The more I've found the more interested I've gotten.  Then a friend of mine referred to me to check out rense.com, mostly for conspiratorial kicks.  Ever since I was tickled by the site.  I wouldn't say that it's all true, I would say that it likes to challenge the mass' perception about certain topics.  This is one of them!  There are a lot of historical discrepancies with a lot of important facts we take for 'fact'.  Like certain people existing when they didn't, or not existing when they did, or scrolls gone missing, artifacts being debunked, myths being exposed, and history being a bundle of lies re-written by the "winners" who survived and then Whoa-me'd the whole shebang!

Some days, I'm ashamed of being human.  It's like the lowest thing on the planet, after everything we've done in the name of good and belief.  "The process of belief is an elixir when I'm weak, I must admit at times that I indulge it on the sneak."  If I was starting out all over and I had to warn the human race about something, I think I'd say: "Beware what you choose as your idols and your gods for they will be your downfall."  I doubt anyone would listen and if they did they'd make such a complicated dogma and religion around it to get around what the warning was about, and then they'd use to kill each other, and steal and dominate the other's truths and world.   So either way, I don't know how much good it'd do.

 

 

Ever-Diminishing Official
Numbers Of Auschwitz Dead

 

12-10-5
 
9,000,000
Source: Cited by the French documentary, Night and Fog, which has been shown to millions of school students worldwide.
8,000,000
Source: The French War Crime Research Office, Doc. 31, 1945.
7,000,000
Source: Also cited by the French War Crime Research Office.
6,000,000
Source: Cited in the book Auschwitz Doctor by Miklos Nyiszli. It has since been proven that this book is a fraud and the "doctor" was never even at Auschwitz, even though the book is often cited by historians.
5,000,000 to 5,500,000
Source: Cited in 1945 at the trial of Auschwitz commander Rudolf Höss, based on his confession which was written in English, a language he never spoke.
5,000,000
Source: Cited on April 20, 1978 by the French daily, Le Monde. Also cited on January 23, 1995 by the German daily Die Welt. By September 1, 1989, Le Monde reduced the figure to 1,433,000.
4,500,000
Source: In 1945 this figure was cited by another witness at the aforementioned Höss trial.
4,000,000
Source: Cited by a Soviet document of May 6, 1945 and officially acknowledged by the Nuremberg War Crimes trial. This figure was also reported in The New York Times on April 18, 1945, although 50 years later on January 26, 1995, The New York Times and The Washington Post slashed the figure to 1,500,000 citing new findings by the Auschwitz Museum officials. In fact, the figure of 4,000,000 was later repudiated by the Auschwitz museum officials in 1990 but the figure of 1,500,000 victims was not formally announced by Polish President Lech Walesa until five years after the Auschwitz historians had first announced their discovery.
3,500,000
Source: Cited in the 1991 edition of the Dictionary of the French Language and by Claude Lanzmann in 1980 in his introduction to Filip Muller's book, Three Years in an Auschwitz Gas Chamber.
3,000,000
Source: Cited in a forced confession by Rudolf Höss, the Auschwitz commander who said this was the number of those who had died at Auschwitz prior to Dec. 1, 1943. Later cited in the June 7, 1993 issue of Heritage, the most widely read Jewish newspaper in California, even though three years previously the authorities at the Auschwitz museum had scaled down the figure to a minimum of 1,100,000 and a maximum of 1,500,000. (see below).
2,500,000
Source: Cited by Rudolf Vrba (an author of various fraudulent accounts of events he claims to have witnessed at Auschwitz) when he testified on July 16, 1981 for the Israeli government's war crimes trial of former SS official Adolf Eichmann.
2,000,000
Source: Cited by Leon Poliakov (1951) writing in Harvest of Hate; Georges Wellers, writing in 1973 in The Yellow Star at the Time of Vichy; and Lucy Dawidowicz, writing in 1975 in The War Against the Jews.
2,000,000 to 4,000,000
Source: Cited by Yehuda Bauer in 1982 in his book, A History of the Holocaust. However, by 1989 Bauer revised his figure to 1,600,000.
1,600,000
Source: This is a 1989 revision by Yehuda Bauer of his earlier figure in 1982 of 2,000,000 to 4,000,000, Bauer cited this new figure on September 22, 1989 in The Jerusalem Post, at which time he wrote "The larger figures have been dismissed for years, except that it hasn't reached the public yet."
1,500,000
Source: In 1995 this was the number of Auschwitz deaths announced by Polish President Lech Walesa as determined by those at the Auschwitz museum. This number was inscribed on the monument at the Auschwitz camp at that time, thereby "replacing" the earlier 4,000,000 figure that had been formally repudiated (and withdrawn from the monument) five years earlier in 1990. At that time, on July 17, 1990 The Washington Times reprinted a brief article from The London Daily Telegraph citing the "new" figure of 1,500,000 that had been determined by the authorities at the Auschwitz museum. This new figure was reported two years later in a UPI report published in the New York Post on March 26, 1992. On January 26, 1995 both The Washington Post and The New York Times cited this 1,500,000 figure as the new "official" figure (citing the Auschwitz Museum authorities).
1,471,595
Source: This is a 1983 figure cited by Georges Wellers who (as noted previously) had determined, writing in 1973, that some 2,000,000 had died.
1,433,000
Source: This figure was cited on September 1, 1989 by the French daily, Le Monde, which earlier, on April 20, 1978, had cited the figure at 4,000,000.
1,250,000
Source: In the book, The Destruction of the European Jews, by Raul Hilberg (1985).
1,100,000 to 1,500,000
Source: Sources for this estimate are Yisrael Gutman and Michael Berenbaum in their 1984 book, Anatomy of the Auschwitz Death Camp. This estimate was later also cited by Walter Reich, former director of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum, writing in The Washington Post on September 8, 1998. The upper figure of 1,500,000 is (the new) "official" figure as now inscribed at Auschwitz, with the earlier figure of 4,000,000 having been removed from the memorial at the site of the former concentration camp.
1,000,000
Source: Jean-Claude Pressac, writing in his 1989 book Auschwitz: Technique and Operation of the Gas Chambers. This is interesting since he wrote his book to repudiate so-called "Holocaust deniers" who were called that precisely because they had questioned the numbers of those who had died at Auschwitz.
900,000
Source: Reported on August 3, 1990 11, by Aufbau, a Jewish newspaper in New York.
800,000 to 900,000
Source: Reported by Gerald Reitlinger in his book, The Final Solution.
775,000 to 800,000
Source: Jean-Claude Pressac's revised figure, put forth in his 1993 book, The Crematoria of Auschwitz: The Mass Murder's Machinery, scaling down his earlier claim of 1,000,000 dead.
630,000 to 710,000
Source: In 1994 Pressac scaled his figure down somewhat further; this is the figure cited in the German language translation of Pressac's 1993 book originally published in French. Again, this is substantially less than Pressac's 1989 figure of 1,000,000.
135,000 to 140,000
Source: This is an estimate based on documents held by the International Tracing Service of the Red Cross. It is known that International Tracing Service has a complete set of registration documents. This is thought to include a complete set of roll-call data which includes twice daily tallies of those who died. Although the International Tracing Service of the Red Cross has such records, they have never officially published an accurate count of those who died, or even an accurate report as to exactly which documents they hold. However, totals from these records have been obtained by various interested parties.
The estimate of 135,000 is roughly corroborated by the "Auschwitz death books." The death books themselves are wartime German camp records, which were captured by the Soviets towards the end of the war, and hidden in Soviet achieves, until released to the Red Cross in 1989.
The death books consist of 46 volumes which document each death at Auschwitz (each death certificate consists of the deceased person's full name, profession and religion, date and place of birth, pre-Auschwitz residence, parents' names, time of death, and cause of death as determined by a camp physician). The records for the most important years, 1942 and 1943, are almost complete (there are also a few volumes for the year 1941, but none for the year 1944 or January 1945 (when Auschwitz was evacuated)).
The Auschwitz death books contain the death certificates of some 69,000 individuals, of whom about 30,000 were listed as Jews. You may view various eThe above mentioned, ever declining numbers of alleged dead at Auschwitz, are graphically illustrated by the following pictures of plaques from the camp.
The first is the plaque that was on display at the Auschwitz camp from 1948 until 1989 (note the "4 million" victims).
The second is the plaque currently on display at Auschwitz.
Note the dramatically reduced number of victims, now only 1.5 million.
A casual reduction in the number of deaths by some 2.5 million.
Deaths at Auschwitz drop by a whopping 2.5 million, but 6,000,000 dead Jewish prisoners, remains the same.
http://vancouver.indymedia.org/news/2004/08/156377.php

 

 

lousalome [userpic]

The weekend

December 11th, 2005 (09:27 pm)
sad
Tags:

Always fucked up and: sad

It was a lonely weekend. You know how it is when you have people around you, and you're doing stuff, but it feels like you are totally outside of it all, observing the lines of others' behaviours, picturing yourself as a documenter from National Geographic or something?

I know that feeling well. I felt like that most of the weekend. It's not that I wasn't having a good time specifically. I just wasn't able to seem perfectly involved.

Days like this, I don’t know what to do with myself.
All day - and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath.
I say to myself.
I need fuel - to take flight -

And there’s too much going on.
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl.
They don’t know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea.
But he washed me ashore and he took my pearl -
And left an empty shell of me.


And there’s too much going on.
But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.
It’s calm under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.


--Fiona Apple

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl. I don't know how to reach out the truth of who I am inside. It's buried behind my face, it's locked in a Chinese finger-lock, so the harder I pull the tighter I choke. Anyway, I'm sure you think I sound young and inexperienced, and I guess in a lot of ways I am. This inner life of mine is full of pictures from what Nietzsche calls the abyss. Pretty pictures made flesh. Love is the key to all pain. To find it. To lose it. To cure it. To prove it. Love and pain are one and the same. Or loving someone who barely even sees you for you who you are wouldn't hurt so much. I guess I keep trying.

lousalome [userpic]

Hmm...

December 10th, 2005 (10:21 pm)
Tags:


Imaginative, erotic, passionate


You prefer to have one partner and to try everything with them. You have an enormous sexual appetite, and you often create sexy scenarios to play out with your significant other.






Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

lousalome [userpic]

From N. who asked me what I wanted for X-MAS.

December 10th, 2005 (08:45 pm)
easily entertained
Tags:

Always fucked up and: easily entertained

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

In August I gave [info]david a life-saving blood transfusion (50 points). Last Thursday I saved a busload of nuns in Angola (326 points). Last Monday I broke [info]agoodcoloronyou's X-Box (-12 points). In January I gave [info]phoenix_rizing a kidney (1000 points). Last week [info]asilentsmile and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).

Overall, I've been nice (1375 points). For Christmas I deserve a shiny red ball!

Sincerely,
lousalome

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

lousalome [userpic]

All I need is love...

December 9th, 2005 (05:01 pm)
awkward
Tags:

Always fucked up and: awkward

and my life will be fucking perfect, right?

HAH!

"Hell is others."
Sartre

Ok. Enough with the animosity today. I'm doing it again. Speaking my mind. Pissing other people off. Is there any way to be honest about what you think and not piss people off? Or are you just doomed to be shunned when you say what you think?

I can't be something I'm not, and I just say what I think. It's out, it's public, I have nothing to hide.

Some days I wish I was older so I just had some more wisdom.

lousalome [userpic]

From Shivakat's journal (because this is important to women)

December 9th, 2005 (01:49 pm)
and and and and...?
Tags:

Always fucked up and: and and and and...?

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.

Women should learn self-defense.
Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark
Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts.
Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that bullshit, how about:

if a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
if a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
if a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
if a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
if a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
if a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
if a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
if a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
if a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.

if a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
if your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
if your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
if you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
if your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.

if your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
if your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an
unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the
police and tell the guy he's a rapist.

tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.

don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or
responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.


If you agree, repost it. It's that important.

lousalome [userpic]

Hearts get broken

December 9th, 2005 (10:38 am)
questioning everything
Tags:

Always fucked up and: questioning everything

"It's just that I loved him..."

I don't like usually writing about this kind of thing because it's quite personal. But I heard a friend of mine say this not too long ago. It made me think. "What does that mean?" Of course, amateur philosopher that I am, I have to question everything, even when it's good. It's like I have to break it down till it's not good. It's fucked up, I know, but truth is a passion that spares nothing. Camus was right. It's like a hurricane in a small third world country when you dig to the bottom.

I have wanted to believe that I've loved and lost in my life, but at times I really have to wonder how much I have really loved. It's been clear to me that I don't know love so well. I know the warfare of love. I know the struggle of trying to be myself while trying to be everyone else. I know. Sounds corny? Sounds corny to me too. So much of the time you think in the heat of the moment that you really love someone, but then, all of a sudden (after it's over, sometimes while it's still going) I notice... I don't really give two fucks about whether this person breathes or not. So what do you do? Well, I guess you have to be honest about it. And you let them go. Like that corporate spiel of "We are having to set cutbacks for the financial interest of the company." Yeah, guess what, I'm setting cutbacks for the emotional interest of my company. HAH!

I've dated a lot of assholes, (yeah yeah, whatever... *violins playing* this is not an original story) and I've realized that maybe psychotic jerks aren't really those guys you hear about on the news, the ones who are freaky murdering raping bastards. Maybe, just maybe, they're the guys that seem nice and really want you to be something you're not and start putting ideas in your head about your tits being too small, your ass being too wide, or that you can't take care of yourself alone (of course, they can though!), or that you're just not really that smart or talented. They're the ones who try to make sure they always know where you are, or who you're talking to, they're really obsessively jealous and think any man existing threatens their cave (WHAT are we, in the STONE AGE??). Even worse, they really believe you're screwing everything that moves (don't you just hate that??). Makes me feel like putting a dull spork through their eyes. Maybe taking a chainsaw to MY skull so I don't have to deal with that shit!!

No thank you. Last time I checked, I don't owe you shit! I'm a free-spirited individual, and I don't like to be tied down. I read this fabulous quote once! It said, "You were wild once, don't let them tame you." And I was like... golly-gee! Isn't that keen? So why should I let my asshole boss tell me how to be, or my parents, or really anyone.

If a boyfriend is telling you how to be, I've determined he doesn't really love you. He just loves the idea of you. But you're not an idea, and he needs to get stabbed for thinking that. Or you need to get stabbed for letting him convince you that you're worthless as you are, and you're only good if you live up to these expectations. Well, I don't know, maybe you are worthless, and are in fact, correct. On average, I'd say that's more NOT the case than the case.

Why are people such morons? It's like they're just ridiculously warped and wrapped up in their BS drama! For example, a dood I was dating was so convinced that his feelings were the center of my world, and that I'd somehow accomodate all his crap. It was that covert "I'm a tough guy" bullshit that masked the insecurities in the little things, like how he came at me with his whining about having a bad day, or feeling frustrated, or wanting more money. (I hate whining) And I'd just look at him like, "Yeah, and? Can't you pick yourself up or do I have to change your diaper for you?"

But then you do get attached sometimes, and you know this person may be terrible for you, but why do you still want to care about them? It's like you can't even help the fact that you want to stick around to make sure they're ok. At the same time you hate his guts and hopes he dies of gonorrhea and rots in hell. So I've come to the unavoidable conclusion Nietzsche came to. Inevitably all relationships end. I believe that. I mean, I like guys, I'm not like opposed to them. I love hanging out with my guy friends, chugging back a couple of beers and playing Halo 2. But it's like when you do it with them they just don't get it?

What women want is simple. Give me some food, affection, genuine emotion, and the occasional you know what, and listen to me. Tell me what you think of me, but don't be an asshole about it. And don't mask it behind some idiotic idea that I'm not able to HANDLE it! I can handle it!

I feel bad. Hearts get broken and putting them back together sucks. I think that's what I'll focus on for now. Mending a chunk or two taken out. And reading lots of Beyond Good and Evil.

Ok, so maybe that was a bit obsessive to post that HUGE blog, but it's a good way to start over. I'm taking a much harder line of truth and thought these days about love and warfare. If it's a question of whether it's my shit or yours the answer is pretty simple: It's mine. Tough shit. I deserve better than that crap! I'm looking for something more than just that.

I just don't know what exactly that is. Hearts get broken. That's a fact. So what's the point of giving anyone your heart when it just becomes toiletpaper for someone to take a shit on??

Oh well, I'll go shoot it out and get this angst out of my system.

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